Yet I know that whatever happens, the world keeps on turning and while I continue to live upon it I have to either cope with whatever is happening or fall apart in a heap in the corner.
Ninety-nine times out of a hundred I do the coping thing and get on with it. There might be a few tears or a bit of frustration flung about but generally I keep going, it’s pretty rare for me to do the ‘break down and completely give up’ thing.
Now you might be thinking that I’m about to go on to say, ‘but this time…’ Actually I’m not, but it is interesting to look back on recent experiences and see how close I got to having a wobbly.
I’m only now beginning to get back to ‘normality’ (whatever that is!) from recent events and for some reason I felt like I wanted to share my thoughts with you. I guess it’s funny how things build up.
Less than two weeks ago Lady, the eldest of our two dogs, began to get poorly. We’re very luck and ‘touch wood’ our dogs seem to be pretty healthy, so for her to disturb us in the middle of the night needing to go outside was a rare occurrence.
Now I’m not going to go into details of her illness, but needless to say it required many trips outside and a fair amount of interruption to normal routines. And it wasn’t just a one-day event. Cue the following night and further trips outside – you get the picture I’m sure.
So along with disturbed sleep patterns and loss of shuteye, there was concern about her recovery, feeding and health in general – she’s not a puppy any more and has been with me for nearly ten years now, so she’s getting on a bit.
Add to this my partner having to go away a day and a half later for a planned trip that had been scheduled since before Christmas, something that couldn’t really be cancelled and rearranged and that would last five days.
Now I know I’m exceedingly lucky; firstly to have him in my life anyway, and then that he does a lot of the work around the house while I work and do my day job. So when he is away, my workload goes up – quite a bit. And because I’m not as practised or as natural as him in some of these activities things take that much longer… This all means that I usually set the morning alarm earlier, perhaps by an hour.
While I was on my own Lady continued with her illness, poor lamb, and I was gradually running out of sleep. Add in to this a job which was particularly ‘demanding’ and that had a deadline looming large and you’ll probably get a better idea of the bigger picture.
I don’t want to dwell on all of this – life goes this way sometimes and you either cope or you don’t – but I ended up taking Lady to the vets, (which wasn’t and instant fix but worked in the end a week or so later), roped in some gratefully received help from family and worked over the weekend. I hit the deadline and the other half arrived back home on schedule all to my great relief and gratitude.
It’s only now as I take stock (and finally feel like I’m catching up on sleep!) that I realise how immersed I was in those events and how disconnected and adrift I feel now.
Isn’t it funny how life works! I’ve spent the last few days catching up with chores that perhaps got pushed aside and things feel much more as they should now, but I’m completely uninspired and disengaged from myself. I can’t decide if I find it strange or completely understandable.
And it’s this that I find fascinating – why should I feel discouraged and disembodied? I’ve just worked very hard and come out the other end successful. Everyone is now OK and generally fit. Shouldn’t I feel driven and have a sense of achievement? Or is this purely natural and shows I’m still suffering from a lack of rest?
I have to admit that I don’t have any answers. I’m just not sure, but I do know that I feel discontent. Though I know I’m feeling this way right now, I’m certain that as surely as the earth keeps on turning I will feel different again in time and life will continue to work its mystery in whatever way it sees fit.
Now that’s why we all keep plugging on – waiting to see what tomorrow will bring…