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‘A’ is for ‘Artistic’ (or not…)

27/2/2015

10 Comments

 
'A' is for 'Artistic' (or not...) - Dreya's World
Photo taken by DreyaB
I'm not one for regrets but I'm working through a process of self-exploration again and today I'm looking at choices I've made or didn't make. I know one of these areas is the fact that in my teens, when choosing subjects to study at school, I was 'bullied' out of choosing to further explore art and my artistic qualities and leanings. It wasn't parents or peer pressure that made me decide to leave art as a practical subject to explore behind, but my teacher and the experience that I know has scarred me. 

Every now and then there are experiences that I take personally and that stick with me for a very long time and though I have worked on these memories and the associated pain before, I still find this is a moment in my life that I come back to time and again. It's like constantly picking at a scab, letting it heal some more and then having another go. Underneath I imagine all I'm doing is building up scar tissue, but perhaps it is part of the process and any healing I may experience. 

I guess you may be wondering what happened and, though I'm loathed to go over it again, perhaps I should. Maybe it gets easier each time I excavate it. 

I'm guessing I was around 13 and had done well in art class in the past, so much so that as an A-grade student I was even invited, with my other A-grade art class colleagues, to enter a competition that I never got around to – in the end I know I was more of an academic student than a hands-on practical one – but this just shows the stage I was at with my artistic ability. 

On the day we got our final grades for the year our art teacher took great joy in making a big announcement in class that some of us had done very well but that there was a shock in store for someone and that they would receive an EE-grade, meaning they had got the lowest grades possible both for attainment and effort. Having received an AA-grade halfway through the year I thought I would be safe and was innocently wondering who the poor unfortunate was.

With the benefit of hindsight I'm sure you can see what's coming next, but at the time I had no idea. Yes, it turns out that I was that EE student, and I couldn't believe it! Even if my grade for attainment had dropped to an E, surely my teacher couldn't believe I wasn't trying at all and had put no effort in? Well, it looked like he did. I was mortified and didn't know what to do. I guess I discussed it with my friends at the table, and I finally plucked up the courage to go and discuss my grades with the teacher. 

I don't remember all that happened but I do recall him laughing, which at that age I couldn't understand and, though I may guess where he was coming from on reflection now, he still had no idea the impact and damage he was causing to me. Anyway, discussing things further he agreed to change my grade to a DD, which was an improvement but not great. I couldn't do anything further than leave my class and wait for the final report to show up and go to my parents.

In the end he revised my grades again – I can't exactly remember what to, DB perhaps, increasing my effort grade accordingly – but the damage had been done and I was mentally marked for the rest of my schooling and beyond. My decision process has been fundamentally influenced by that one instance in my life. I never went on to explore any of my artistic inclinations in any real educational setting and looking back now that is something I do regret.

Yes, I've played and experimented with art and crafts since. I even paid to take a watercolour class as an adult on an evening, but nothing has ever really stuck. The closest I get nowadays to any significant ability is in my photography, but I need to learn more about the technical side of things there. 

I know in reality it's not too late to attempt to overcome this experience and perhaps one day I will be able to explore the hands-on visual arts in some more supportive and educational way, but at the moment I know I can't afford it – both the money and the availability of time. I play at these things and never really get very far. I know I need to invest both time and patience in myself if I ever want to really achieve anything, but that scar tissue runs deep and perhaps I'm procrastinating to avoid the pain again, perhaps the excuses are truly real, but one thing I do know is that experience has had a big influence on my life because I let it.

I don't regret any of my other choices in life. I'm pretty good at weighing things up and making sensible decisions, but not having the time in my school life to explore art more is one thing I wish I'd done. Who knows what my life would have been like if things had been different? I never will and I can't do anything about that. What I can do is live in hope and that's one thing I always do. Whatever life throws at you in the end there is always hope and there are always choices – I just have to decide what my choices are... 

I usually do.

10 Comments
Sandy Segur link
27/2/2015 12:30:58 pm

A teacher can have a lasting impression on a child. Like in your case, you knew you tried but the teacher didn't see it.

Reply
Dreya B
28/2/2015 03:59:51 am

You're so right Sandy. I hope that nowadays teachers have a greater understanding of the impact they can have - but sadly I guess these kind of experiences can still happen. Thank you for reading and joining in. :)

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Nancy Carol Brown Hardin link
27/2/2015 02:47:56 pm

An experience like this does stay with you for years, and I'm sorry this has diverted your artistic talents. I had an experience in my 6th grade that caused me great problems. I had difficulty in mathematics, but excelled in English, Reading, Spelling, anything to do with words. In my school, we had the same teacher for all subjects. Mrs. Jessup never ever called on me for anything I was good at, even with my hand raised. But she would invariably call on me when I didn't have my hand up in Math class. The worst part was, we had to stand and give our answers. I would stumble and fumble with story problems, most of the time I'd get so nervous, I'd come up with the completely wrong answer. The kids would laugh, because she would make a disparaging joke at my expense. For years, after I was grown, I'd look at numbers and my mind would go completely blank. I finally got to where I could make change, and do addition, subtraction, division and multiplication, but it was through sheer determination on my part. But even today, when someone presents something mathematical to me without any preparation on my part, my mind goes blank, for a few moments. Teachers can and DO have a lasting impression. And on a good note: One teacher, Mr. Hughes, a history teacher, taught his class to look for the story gems in history. We never had to memorize dates, places and events. We were encouraged to read the story and understand WHAT happened and why, rather than the dull part. He was a good teacher, and I credit him to this day for my love of history. Sorry this is so long, but it brought back memories........

Reply
Dreya B
28/2/2015 03:57:41 am

Thank you Nancy for sharing with us. I'm glad this brought back memories for you but sorry to hear some weren't good ones. I think that's why I wanted to share my tale so we know we're not alone in this. School can be some of the best years of our lives but also the toughest. Isn't it good though that you can also see the positive influence that Mr Hughes had on you. As soon as I started reading that part I knew your love of history was coming through from this. That's stuck with you for a long time too. As much as my experience has had an impact on my life I find it fascinating to go back and explore these effects in an attempt to understand myself better - which can only be good in the long run. Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing... :)

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Jasmine Ann link
28/2/2015 09:56:06 am

Your experience and reaction just shows how some people influence us when we are so young. I do not understand what that teacher was trying to do and I best not say here what I think of him! Experiences like that can have a profound effect on a child. Now you have the freedom to do what you like. If you want to do art do it. Do it for you, you do not need anyone to tell you anything now. You do not need a class just draw, paint whatever you like, just simply express yourself through art. Free yourself from now from that person who held you back. Hugs my friend.

Reply
Dreya B
28/2/2015 10:17:44 am

Thank you for your lovely and wonderful support Jasmine. :D He was always considered a complete loon by most of the kids, but being the kind of child I was that still didn't help - I respected my elders and my teachers; whoever they were! I love your comments - thank you so much. I must 'free myself'. I think I'll hang on to that one... :)

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Ruth Cox link
7/3/2015 01:45:43 pm

I am one who does not believe that we as individuals are an island separate from the actions of others. You and the damage done to you by this school teacher are a perfect example of how what happens to us really can touch us for a lifetime.

Obviously, you moved forward and became a contributing member of society, but yes -- what might you have become had this teacher treated you with compassion and respect during the education process?

While retelling your story may be healing for you in the long run, it is also beneficial to others. It really does help us deal when we learn we are not the only ones who have had someone eles's decisions and choices damage us, especially in our youth. So, thank you for sharing your personal story.

By the way, I love the colorful ivy and the artistic way you have used it here!

And thank you for submitting your article to the ABC Challenge!

Reply
Dreya B
7/3/2015 03:40:10 pm

I think that's why I wanted to share Ruth, so parents and teachers are aware of what can happen and learn for the future. It felt good to get this experience out into the world, but whether my artistic leanings ever get fulfilled I can't be sure. And thank you for noticing and understanding why I picked this photo of mine - you've got me sussed! I will contribute to your challenge again whenever I'm able. :0)

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Eliza Eats link
28/11/2020 09:37:59 am

This is aa great blog

Reply
DreayB
28/11/2020 11:55:13 am

Thank you Eliza. :)

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    Dreya B

    Here you'll find my musing and thoughts in no particular categories, just chronological order. The blog posts from earlier dates appeared on a few independent blogs, but I've brought everything together in one place. If you'd like to know a little more about me try the 'About' page.

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